4 Ways to Support Friends During Difficult Times: What Actually Helps vs. What We Assume

One way I show up for friends during hard moments is by asking what support looks like for them instead of assuming. I learned that fixing or reassuring often misses the mark. What helped most was offering steady presence without pressure. Listening without interrupting created space for them to process. I discovered this by noticing when people relaxed rather than withdrew. Support became about attunement, not advice. Being available mattered more than saying the perfect thing.

I used to send that classic “Let me know if you need anything” text. I thought I was being helpful, but I was actually giving them another task. Managing me. When a close friend went through a sudden loss a few years ago, I sent that text and got silence. I assumed they needed space.

Later, they told me they were drowning in decisions and couldn’t figure out what to assign to whom. That conversation changed everything for me. I’d been waiting for a brief they didn’t have the energy to write.

So I stopped asking permission. Now, if a friend is struggling, I just handle specific, low-intrusion logistics. I’ll drop off dinner without knocking or prepay for a cleaning service. What I’ve learned is that real support works better when it doesn’t require executive function from the person suffering. I try to remove the friction of decision-making entirely.

One of the most helpful ways I’ve learned to support friends is by offering specific, practical help. When someone is going through a difficult time, it’s often hard to know how to offer support or what to say, so people default to phrases like “let me know if you need anything.” While this is done with good intentions, when someone is struggling, they’re usually not in the right mental or emotional space to have the capacity to figure out what they need or to reach out and ask for help. I’ve found that it’s much more helpful to take the initiative and offer to help with daily tasks instead. Doing things such as dropping off a meal, offering to help take care of their pets, or simply checking in now and then makes support feel more accessible. These small gestures help take the pressure off of the person who’s struggling and can bring a small sense of relief during an otherwise overwhelming hard time.

I have learned to say less and listen more. Many times people just want to be understood; they don’t want advice; they don’t want personal examples; they want to just be heard. When a friend is struggling, I find it helpful to flat out ask them if they want to vent or if they want help thinking through their next steps. Often friends just want your presence.